Couples Therapy

Individual sessions during couples therapy

In Bowen Family Systems Therapy, individual sessions during couples counseling are a crucial component, not a deviation.

Rather than focusing on blame, the therapist uses one-on-one time to coach each person on their own emotional functioning and development of a stronger "self". This reduces emotional reactivity and helps each partner approach relationship problems more thoughtfully. 

How individual sessions support Bowen couples therapy:

Individual sessions are used to help each partner increase his or her level of differentiation of self, which is the core goal of Bowen therapy. A higher level of differentiation means a person can:

• Maintain a sense of self and beliefs in relationships without becoming emotionally fused with, unproductive conflict, or cut off from the other
• Distinguish his or her own feelings from thoughts, increasing the ability to make conscious, rational decisions rather than reacting to anxiety

The "coaching" approach in one-on-one sessions helps the individual achieve these goals:

• Focus on the individual: The therapist helps the client to observe his or her own reactions and contribution to relationship problems, rather than blaming the other person. This is done by helping the client see patterns of reactivity. If both are present and intense situations or differences arise, having the client talk directly to the therapist while the partner listens can be helpful for each to see their own reactivity and origins of that reactivity, i.e., depersonalize what seems like an attack or blame.
• Address family-of-origin issues: Unresolved issues from a person's childhood family affect current relationships. Individual sessions provide an opportunity for the partner to explore these emotional patterns and ways these play out in the nuclear family.
• One-on-one time provides a necessary space to address issues like childhood abuse or neglect that a partner would not want to discuss in a joint session at the time.
• Neutrality doesn’t mean not having opinions about each person's behavior or perceptions. If a client is operating in a manner that is harmful or potentially dysfunctional to self or others, it is the therapist’s responsibility to address this. This provides clients with an example of differentiation of self, and offers the client with alternatives to patterned or reactive thinking and behavior.
• Encourage "I-statements":  The therapist helps the individual rephrase his or her concerns using "I" statements. Rather than framing issues as solely the other person’s “fault.” For example, changing "You never help around the house" to "I feel overwhelmed with chores and want to discuss this.

Utility of individual sessions: The goal is to equip the person with the skills and insights he or she can use to function as a more differentiated, less reactive partner. 

Unequal trajectories:
People change and grow at their own rates. When one member of a family system makes a substantial change, it affects others.. If the changes are maintained, there is ripple of reactivity in others and usually things settle down. Others find a way to adjust to the changes made by the individual.

For example, a mother says to her husband and teenagers-“I am not doing the laundry for my teenagers anymore. I will teach them how to do this and after that, it is their responsibility.”

After things settle down, the mother is less resentful, stressed and more positive towards her kids. Her husband may think that she is not doing her part and pressured her to presume doing laundry for the kids.

Eventually, he may realize she is serious about her position.

Months or weeks later, he may ask the therapist for help in setting limits with his kids or wife on another matter, but his timing is different.

This is consistent with the observation that an emotional system can handle only so much substantive change at a time.

By understanding their own emotional processes, each person can improve their half of the relationship and contribute to healthier, more resilient patterns for the couple as a whole.

References

• Bowen, Murray. The theoretical and clinical writings of Murray Bowen. His writings provide the foundation for understanding his theory and approach, including the role of the therapist in coaching individual family members toward greater differentiation.
• "Differentiation of Self: Bowen Family Systems Theory Perspectives" by Peter Titelman.
• "Bowen Family Systems Theory and Practice: Illustration and Critique" by Jenny Brown.
• "Differentiation of self: A scoping review of Bowen Family Systems Theory studies" by Sergio Rodríguez-González et al.

Dr. Lartin is a graduate of the Georgetown University Family Systems Postgraduate program, was supervised by Dr. Bowne for several years, and concentrated her graduate work on the use and research of Bowne theory and practice. She has been on the faculty of the Philadelphia Family Therapy Institute and continues to provide consultation and supervision to therapists who are using Bowen Family Systems theory and therapy